Soccer like watching paint dry
by Jesse Phelps
OK, I admit it. I'm starting to like soccer. Almost.
I've always had a bit of a bias here. Maybe it was my hideous
experience in AYSO when I was about 4.
My take is that it's no fun to watch and even less fun to play.
For two strenuously long halves and usually an overtime, folks
run up and down this grassy field, but nothing ever happens.
Nobody scores. I mean, do I really want to dedicate myself for
three hours to watch a bunch of large-thighed people kick each
other in the shins?
And why is it that you can't use your hands? Soccer must have
been created by some poor sap with no hand-eye coordiation so
he wouldn't always be the last pick for the javelin competition,
or whatever else they played during the Dark Ages when this heinous
game first made its appearence.
That's another thing. I believe that over time the human race
makes improvements and we get better at things. Soccer was created
back when they didn't know how to make up good sports. Since
then, we've come to discover such gems as basketball, real football
Basketball's tops because it's fast and athletic, pretty and
powerful. People score. The action is nonstop. Baseball's on
the other end of the spectrum. It's contempletive, mental; the
perfect blend of individual prowess and team achievement. And
there are all kinds of cool statistics to follow.
Soccer has none of this. You know it's not a great sport when
the girls are more fun to watch than the guys. And it's not like
there are any Anna Kournikovas in the world of soccer. Mia Hamm?
Gimme a break. Has there ever been a more annoying commercial
than the one where we're supposed to believe Mia Hamm is matching
Michael Jordan step for athletic step?
In fairness though, I had fun watching that one U.S. women's
team where Hamm led us to the world title. So, like I said, I'm
open to changing my opinion, at least in regards to the women.
But unless it's on a world stage, you'd have to pay me to watch
© 2002 The Ojai Valley News
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