Soccer like watching paint dry
by Jesse Phelps

OK, I admit it. I'm starting to like soccer. Almost.
I've always had a bit of a bias here. Maybe it was my hideous experience in AYSO when I was about 4.
My take is that it's no fun to watch and even less fun to play. For two strenuously long halves and usually an overtime, folks run up and down this grassy field, but nothing ever happens. Nobody scores. I mean, do I really want to dedicate myself for three hours to watch a bunch of large-thighed people kick each other in the shins?
And why is it that you can't use your hands? Soccer must have been created by some poor sap with no hand-eye coordiation so he wouldn't always be the last pick for the javelin competition, or whatever else they played during the Dark Ages when this heinous game first made its appearence.
That's another thing. I believe that over time the human race makes improvements and we get better at things. Soccer was created back when they didn't know how to make up good sports. Since then, we've come to discover such gems as basketball, real football and baseball.
Basketball's tops because it's fast and athletic, pretty and powerful. People score. The action is nonstop. Baseball's on the other end of the spectrum. It's contempletive, mental; the perfect blend of individual prowess and team achievement. And there are all kinds of cool statistics to follow.
Soccer has none of this. You know it's not a great sport when the girls are more fun to watch than the guys. And it's not like there are any Anna Kournikovas in the world of soccer. Mia Hamm? Gimme a break. Has there ever been a more annoying commercial than the one where we're supposed to believe Mia Hamm is matching Michael Jordan step for athletic step?
In fairness though, I had fun watching that one U.S. women's team where Hamm led us to the world title. So, like I said, I'm open to changing my opinion, at least in regards to the women. But unless it's on a world stage, you'd have to pay me to watch the men.

© 2002 The Ojai Valley News

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